It was all for you... and yet it was all because of you.

When I say you, I am talking to every single one of you that will read this, and even then those who will never read it. I never know what to expect from you all, sometimes I find myself thinking about Gatsby or Walt Whitman, a sense of being within and without. I will probably cover it later in this blog post if I remember to get to it... I have a lot a want to cover but don't know how to say all of it.

Normally I'm very good at making myself sound way smarter than I am, and writing like I always know what I'm talking about. You all probably knew me first as Chris Vogel, the really smart dude, or Chris Vogel, that quiet nerd that was in some class I had freshman or sophomore year. Yeah that was... or is me. It's hard to tell if I'm anything like that kid some of you may have first met. I keep losing track of time. I get ahead of myself or fall behind. I get distracted, I miss out on things, I make mistakes. I try not to but often times I blame myself and end up regretting things that I did. I hope you all have realized by now that there has really been so much more to everyone than you originally thought.

At this point you may already be rolling your eyes. I mean, I understand that, you've likely already read some other people's blogs and every one of them has been emotional one way or another. Now you're here, Chris Vogel's blog. I really wonder if people check my blog because they honestly want to read what I wrote or if it's because they know I'll have something down. That doesn't really matter, what does matter is that you are here, you are doing whatever it is you do while reading, whether its sitting on the couch, in your bed, or maybe you're even reading this at school and are only a short distance away from where I am. Regardless, I want you to know, and everyone in IB to know, that I have so much respect and gratitude towards all of you. I didn't talk much my first two years of high school. I was always immediately associated with people like Stephen Schmidt (if you don't know who he is its fine, the point is I was labelled as a socially awkward nerd). Maybe I fit this title, but in my head I was screaming out that I just wanted someone to know me, and I wanted to know you. I just wanted to say hello but was terrified of shut down immediately. Not exactly shut down, but being given they forced smile and reply that I knew too well at the time. 

I know mushy gushy right? Well buckle your seatbelts cause I really have no idea where this blog post is going so we may be in for some ups and downs ladies and gentlemen. I almost thought of sincerely writing down something super cliche like "IB gave me a home," which it did but that just shows you where this is going.

I thought when I entered into IB things would stay pretty much the same, but that isn't what happened. I met so many nice people... all of you were so kind and understanding from the start at first I didn't know how to deal with it. They talking about how you should break out of your own shell but really what happened is you guys broke me out of it, as if it was a prison I didn't even know I was trapped in. Ever since that day it's been a rollercoaster of emotions. I don't need this post to be longer than it's already going to be so I'll focus on this year. This year I was dead set on finding somewhere to belong. I never felt attached to any particular group of friends, and was never completely within any defined group. For a while I was a part of one group, and you all know who you are if you're reading this. I thought, "This is it, this is for sure who I am hanging with the rest of the year"... but you know, that changed. Really complicated story. So complicated in fact, that I don't even know myself all of what happened, but I do know everything changed in December. I went through a lot of December hurt, lost, and struggling to define myself again. 

Pause for a second, this may be getting overly dramatic. I will try my best to make the rest of this sound less like a soap opera or young adult novel. 

Anyway, I eventually fell into this group of friends that really changed my life. I don't know how it happened really, but I guess all good things happen that way, where you just stumble around and eventually the right thing hits you in the face... does that make sense? I swear this is the most disorganized thing I have ever written... welcome to how my mind works. Point is these people are very important to me... and I feel like I need to address a few of you by name just so you know I'm talking to you.

Charles: I know you're reading this because you told me you would read it... so in a way I guess I feel like how Walt Whitman felt. That's completely off topic I apologize. You've been my friend since way back when we were both in Spanish last year, forth block on B days I think. It might not have been very significant to you, or maybe even to me then, but you've become one of the best friends I could have asked for. I'm sorry if you don't appreciate me getting sentimental in front of anyone that reads this, but don't worry a lot of people don't read my blogs. You listened to things that I was honestly afraid to talk about with anyone else. Any time I thought what I was saying was stupid or was afraid to talk about it, I usually came to you first. Thank you for listening. I hope you realize just how much I appreciate what you do, and I know we are friends so I shouldn't have to say it, but I really do appreciate everything. We've had really similar experiences in some ways this year... and I think those parts were really important because they showed how much you understood and cared about what was going on in my head, I only hope you feel I cared and understood you as well, at least the best I could. I'm going to miss having you around next year but I hope that it's at least a little while before we stop talking forever.

Kamara: I don't know where to start on this one, it's kind of funny defining our friendship sometimes because a lot of it consists of sarcasm and veiled humor. You've always been there for me when I asked, and have been an amazing friend. Again I don't really know where the friendship started, but I know it consisted of physics and HOA last year. I remember sitting in the back of Mr. Grow's class and having an amazing time making jokes and goofing off... even if it meant sometimes Mr. Grow would call back at us... and sometimes blame you for us both talking. I also remember the running gag where, no matter what, every single unit of physics we never got seats next to each other. It has really always been little things like that, little running jokes or memories that will stick in my head as some of the best experiences of high school. I don't really know what you're doing after high school... like Madyson said you've been kinda quiet about it. Needless to say I think you'll be amazing at what you do, because you have so much spirit and more knowledge than you give yourself credit for. I do honestly think if you wanted to be the next Neil Degrasse Tyson you could be, because you have such a passion for space that I cannot match. I just want you to know that through all the sarcasm and antagonizing, I think you are one of my best friends, and an amazing person to have experienced these two years with. 

Cicely: I really need to keep better track of where I make friends, because honestly I don't remember the origin of practically anyone I talk to... kind of concerning. I do remember that last year you didn't know me at all, and it wasn't until the HOA field trip that I actually talked to you for the first time... which really wasn't all that long ago if you think about it. It really wasn't until TOK this year and then later World Religions that we got to know each other, but I'm glad we did. I know you're eventually moving far away, and that means time runs shorter and shorter. Like I said earlier in this post I keep losing track of time and feeling like I'm running out of it. I just hope time doesn't run out too soon. You're smarter than you realize and nicer than you give yourself credit for. The ability for you to call me out when I say something stupid is kind of refreshing from people just believing what I say for the most part. The future is scary and I've been anxious about it for a long time, but I am glad to have gotten to know you now. Just like the others, you have supported me and given me more than I can repay, and for that I thank you. Don't worry there are still a few more minuets left.

Tessa: I was about to just put something short and funny here but you probably would've just made fun of me for it. Then again you'll probably make fun of me for writing something longer like this too, but this at least feels right. The first moment that stands out to me was getting boom roasted by you and Madyson for a solid half a year. We all know it suddenly stopped for particular reasons and it's kind of a bittersweet feeling because it was honestly one of the funniest things to have a group chat purely devoted to being roasted. That aside, I want to let you know that you're also one of the best people I could have had the joy of getting to call my friend. I know we weren't super close friends or anything but I am glad you were so willing to accept me as a friend. This may not be as substantial as other people's little paragraphs but I do want you to know that you mattered to me and I am grateful that I knew you.

Madyson: You and Tessa, as I said spend a good half a year roasting me, which is admittedly a really weird form of friendship, but I rolled with it anyway. As I write this blog I become more and more emotionally drained so I hope you will bear with me. I've given up on even trying to figure out where we became friends, so I'll skip right to the parts I can actually remember. Growing up my only really nickname was Chris, because it is literally just a shorter version of my name. Little did I know I had so much nick name potential that all of my nicknames could surpass my full name in length. It's funny because you actually made Christopher more of a nickname for me than Chris is. You are one of the kindest people I know, and are a joy to be around. I always loved watching the interactions between you and Kamara because you just seemed to follow along with whatever he did so well I was impressed. I am amazed by your intelligence, and not even just in physics (I will forever be upset about you getting two 7s on the mock exam). You have a level of knowledge that goes beyond the school level and into your social life. We have already established that you can read the future, and it shows through how well you understand all of us. Luckily you're only moving like an hour away from me, so you can still drag me out of my engineering corner to go do crazy things. I hope, as you said, you allow me to continue to be there for you. I'll be darned if you think you've seen the last of me after this year. I have a few more big ideers up my sleeve (It's an intentional grammatical error Mrs. Genesky, please have mercy), and some may involve fairies, but I'm really going to miss the conversation across the classroom in physics and all of stats. Bless your heart.

Keerti: You have done more for me in one year than I think I can make up to you. I know there have been some points in the year when we have relied on each other for one thing or another. I know sometimes I am helpful and sometimes I am too dumb for my own good, but I also know that you were always there, and you were always helpful. I don't know how you put up with my sarcasm and dry wit so often... then again I don't know how anyone does. I also don't know how you stand sitting next to me in three classes AND sharing two lunches with me, but I think you may have some sort of superpower. I don't even know how many ways I can tell you that you're going to be more amazing than you already are, and I know you're way to humble too accept too many compliments. You are so talented, and I know we all tell you that when you perform but honestly I constantly wonder why you don't think you're as good as we all think you are. You're going to be amazing, and I'm glad you're not going that far away so that I can see it happen and still be there for you if you need me. I don't know if you heard but I can drive now, and I can pretty much be there in a hour if you need anything. Don't worry, you've got this, I know you do. Thank you for all the laughs and for putting up with me.

Maria: I thought you should know I thought about you too while I was writing these, don't worry I didn't forget you. I appreciate you putting up with me and everything I complain about all the time. I know I haven't always been the best of friends, and I know I have not repaid you for the support you have given me, but I want to put it out here and let you know I plan to be there for you. Thank you for being awesome, I promise things are never as bad as they seem.

To you: I'm sorry if you were waiting for me to write something about you, but I want you to know it's not because I'm not thinking of you, it's because this post is already longer than my EE probably. I want you to know each and every one of you has helped me become who I am today. Love me or hate me, I am a result of you, and every day has been me trying to make it up to you and it has been an effort to let you know that you matter to me. Thank you.

I do not have many pictures on my phone, but I did my best: